I first started sharing my testimony in my last trimester of pregnancy and am now starting to plan our sweet Baby Mabel’s first birthday in just a few, short months. She is a daily reminder of the Lord’s lovingkindness and tender mercies. This is Part 5 of our story, you can start with Part 1 HERE.
To recap where I left off, after the birth of my first child, I was diagnosed with Secondary Infertility and did not conceive again for more than 8 years. In earlier posts, I walk through why my husband and I decided to forego medical treatment and the journey the Lord led us on from there. Im my last post, Part 4, I shared the list of Scriptures I compiled and meditated on daily and why I believe this was such a pivotal part of our journey.
Each morning, I would wake up early, sit in my favorite oversized, leather chair and spend time with Him. At some point most mornings, I would begin to read through my list of Scriptures and meditate on the truths the Lord was showing me about each verse. I would also partake of the Holy Communion knowing that it is the cup of the new covenant and that every blessing I have is only because of Jesus’ righteousness so freely given to me. I knew that, as I was partaking, His abundant life was flowing through my body, perfecting everything that concerns me (Psalm 138:8).
I’ve talked about it in previous posts, but my earlier pain of infertility had given way to a joyful expectancy of what I knew the Lord was going to do. As I read each of those Scriptures, I saw myself as a possessor of what I knew Jesus had already provided for me. I saw myself as the wife who is a fruitful vine in the very heart of her home, her children like olive plants, all around her table (Psalm 128:3). I saw myself as a daughter of Sarah who, herself, received the power to conceive even when she was past the age of childbearing because she considered Him faithful who had promised (Hebrews 11:11). When I would read Deuteronomy 7 about the blessings for the covenant people of God and it said that “None shall be barren among you or among your livestock,” my heart would cry out— “He didn’t even want for the livestock to be barren— how much MORE for me?!” Or Gabriel’s words to Mary concerning both her pregnancy as well as Elizabeth’s, “For nothing shall be impossible with God,” (Luke 1:37).
After a time, I added this passage from Romans 5:
“We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”
Throughout this journey, I had become more acquainted with the love of God than I even dreamed was possible. His love had been shed abroad in my heart and I KNEW that placing all my hope in Him would NEVER put me to shame.
I can look back now and see a key thing that changed for me during the 8 years of waiting. Early on, I didn’t know why God didn’t just do it— why didn’t He just give me another child? At the end of the journey, I saw the Father as GENEROUSLY and CONSTANTLY providing for me, withholding nothing back from me. I saw myself being perfectly provided for and restfully awaiting the physical manifestation of what I knew He had already freely given me. When you read Galatians 3:5 in original language, it says that God is constantly supplying His spirit to us and constantly working miracles among us. I had begun to see myself under a constant flow of His provision and I knew that I knew, “He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not, with Him, also freely give us all things?” (Romans 8:32).
In August of 2019, I turned 40 years old. I think by the world’s standards, many people just see that season for a woman as “post childbearing years.” I remember a few weeks before my birthday, I was waiting in the car to pick my daughter up from sewing camp and I stumbled upon a song called Seasons from Hillsong that I had not heard before. The lyrics of the bridge are:
“I can see the promise
I can see the future
You're the God of seasons
And I'm just in the winter
If all I know of harvest
Is that it's worth my patience
Then if You're not done working
God I'm not done waiting
You can see my promise
Even in the winter…”
This became my anthem for the coming weeks as I neared into the full manifestation God was bringing me to. If He wasn’t done working, I wasn’t done waiting— even if I was 40.
In all transparency, there were moments where I had to ask myself, “What if? What if this doesn’t turn out the way you think it should?” I quickly came to the conclusion that I knew it was the Lord Himself who put the desire in my heart for more children. I knew whether it was on this side of eternity, or the next, that He would fulfill those desires as only He can and that it would far exceed my expectations. I was long past questioning His wisdom.
On October 3rd, I had a 6 month checkup with my doctor. In previous appointments, she had repeatedly encouraged me and referred me to a new fertility specialist. She told me that she just didn’t want me to get down the road where my chances of conception were so bleak that I would have regrets for not pursuing medical intervention when I could have. I had the sticky note with the doctor’s name and number she had given me stuck to the inside cover of my day planner. Any time I would look at it and think about calling, I would just get such a yellow light in my spirit— that’s the best way I can explain it. I sat down at her desk and she immediately said, “First things first, where are you with wanting another child?” I said, “Dr. Scott, I can’t explain it. I definitely still want another child, but I feel so strongly that the Lord has already taken care of it and I am at perfect peace waiting on Him.” She replied, “As long as you’re peaceful about it, that’s all I need to hear, I won’t ask again.” When I left the appointment and got back in my car, I was thinking through our conversation and I remember making a very final decision and saying out loud, “Lord, I am willing to risk, in the natural, this idea of not ever having another child so that you will be the only one who can possibly get the glory from this situation when it happens.” You can’t imagine the doctor’s surprise when I called back less than a month later to tell her I was expecting— the entire office erupted in praise and I know the Lord was so glorified.
October was a whirlwind month for us. We moved from our home of more than 7 years to a rental home close to property we purchased where we planned to begin building a new home. We celebrated my daughter Holiday’s 9th birthday and started looking forward to the holiday season. I knew my cycle was a day or so late, but that happens every now and then and I was so busy, I just didn’t have the mental bandwidth to give it much thought. We hosted a family carnival in lieu of Halloween and most of my nieces and nephews had spent the night at our home. When all the kids got picked up to leave the following morning, my daughter ended up going home with a cousin. My husband left at the same time to run errands and I was alone in the house (this rarely ever happens). It was the fist time in weeks I had time to just be quiet and still. I remembered my cycle was still late and realized I had a pregnancy test in the drawer and decided to go ahead and take it. For 8 years, I had imagined what it would be like to see a positive test again. The second line appeared as quickly and as strongly as it had more than 9 years before when I was pregnant with my first. I was in total shock as time stood still. I sat on the couch and sobbed guttural tears of joy I had never before heard or experienced. Looking back, I know the Lord orchestrated that time to be by myself, with Him, so perfectly. After about an hour, I had enough composure to drive to the pharmacy to pick up several more tests— just to be certain. This time I got all digital tests and saw test after test blink, “Pregnant.”
